Dear Americans. . .
The Adventuress has received a rare exclusive: a copy of one of the first letters sent by readers of that noted British newspaper, The Guardian, to a registered voter in Ohio. This brilliant effort really needs no further comment from me, so I will simply reproduce it here in full:
Mr. & Mrs. Hank Flyover
Truck Stop #17
Clark County, Ohio
Regarding: Your upcoming elections
Dear Ignorant Bible-thumping Morons – umm, scratch that, I meant, Beloved Trans-Atlantic Cousins,
It has come to our attention that as insignificant as you are in the grand scheme of things, you may actually play an important role in unseating that knuckle-dragging, Hitler-like fascistic baboon – umm, scratch that again – I meant, that rather controversial gentlemen you unaccountably elected as your President last time.
I know that it will be hard for you to tear yourself away from your busy schedule of
Bible study classes and Ku Klux Klan meetings, but I implore you, please take the time to read this very important missive to you from someone who inhabits the loftiest pinnacle of human enlightenment and civilization in World History – umm, scratch that, I meant, 21st Century Western Europe.
For the sake of all of us, but most especially for my self and my partner (you wouldn’t believe how much it costs to buy a good two-bedroom townhouse in Islington these days) you simply must vote for that nice Mr. Kerry as your president. Unlike that mentally challenged, trigger-happy, baboon-like cowboy– umm, scratch that – I meant, Mr. Bush -- Mr. Kerry will bring peace to the world and as well, ensure that I will not lose my equity value in my two-bedroom townhouse in Islington because of a nuclear holocaust.
So you see, it is really just so blindingly simple -- it is imperative that you do your duty and vote as we more enlightened and intelligent creatures expect you to. If you behave as expected, at some point perhaps you can come over here for a visit and see how the more civilized people like myself and my partner live. Of course you cannot stay at my townhouse in Islington but I believe there’s a nice trailer park around somewhere that will suit your needs well. I’m sure you ignorant Bible-thumping morons – umm, scratch that, I meant, Americans – will prefer to stay in familiar surroundings anyway.
Very sincerely yours ,
Mr. Snively Picklethwait & Ms. Geneva Pomposity-Thorne
Dedicated Guardian Readers
Mr. & Mrs. Hank Flyover
Truck Stop #17
Clark County, Ohio
Regarding: Your upcoming elections
Dear Ignorant Bible-thumping Morons – umm, scratch that, I meant, Beloved Trans-Atlantic Cousins,
It has come to our attention that as insignificant as you are in the grand scheme of things, you may actually play an important role in unseating that knuckle-dragging, Hitler-like fascistic baboon – umm, scratch that again – I meant, that rather controversial gentlemen you unaccountably elected as your President last time.
I know that it will be hard for you to tear yourself away from your busy schedule of
Bible study classes and Ku Klux Klan meetings, but I implore you, please take the time to read this very important missive to you from someone who inhabits the loftiest pinnacle of human enlightenment and civilization in World History – umm, scratch that, I meant, 21st Century Western Europe.
For the sake of all of us, but most especially for my self and my partner (you wouldn’t believe how much it costs to buy a good two-bedroom townhouse in Islington these days) you simply must vote for that nice Mr. Kerry as your president. Unlike that mentally challenged, trigger-happy, baboon-like cowboy– umm, scratch that – I meant, Mr. Bush -- Mr. Kerry will bring peace to the world and as well, ensure that I will not lose my equity value in my two-bedroom townhouse in Islington because of a nuclear holocaust.
So you see, it is really just so blindingly simple -- it is imperative that you do your duty and vote as we more enlightened and intelligent creatures expect you to. If you behave as expected, at some point perhaps you can come over here for a visit and see how the more civilized people like myself and my partner live. Of course you cannot stay at my townhouse in Islington but I believe there’s a nice trailer park around somewhere that will suit your needs well. I’m sure you ignorant Bible-thumping morons – umm, scratch that, I meant, Americans – will prefer to stay in familiar surroundings anyway.
Very sincerely yours ,
Mr. Snively Picklethwait & Ms. Geneva Pomposity-Thorne
Dedicated Guardian Readers
posted by the adventuress at 10:01 AM
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